Breathe. Repeat.

You know that feeling when it seems like everything is falling down around you? That is what it has felt like for me for the past couple days. I feel like I'm getting behind on my school (already!!), losing friends and failing to build connections, regressing with my physical therapy, financially going down the drains, and just plain losing control. I try to remind myself to just relax and let things play out as they will, but that is such a hard thing to actually do. I want to get a job, but I know I am not physically able to do that right now while hoping to make some kind of progress in therapy. I want to glue myself to my chair and get ahead on my homework, but I have the Korean students who want to take trips their last few days here. I want to cling to the friends I have, but I'm afraid of being hurt and back-stabbed again. I want to pull them closer as I'm pushing them away... I want to grab my life by the horns (does that even make sense??) and make it go the way I want to. But I know that's not possible. I'm getting nervous about this spring semester. I'm not too worried about my on-campus class at my college, but I'm worried that driving to the other university every Tuesday and Thursday is going to drain me (and my gas tank =/). I'm actually getting excited about my practicum this semester! I'm placed in a high school, and from what I've heard from my mentor teacher, it sounds like it will be very different from my experience in the middle school last semester. Very excited! This semester could be really good...if I chill out and not let it overwhelm or get to me. I need to relax. I need to relax.

Oh, and I may be looking for a new church. Whoohoo. =/ I'm getting more and more nervous around Christians. My overall experience with them just hasn't been that great. And now that it seems as though people are turning on me and harming my reputation, I'm even more skiddish. Can I just be a hermit, please? Live in a nice warm hole and read my favorite books all day. Very safe....but very alone. =/

And I shall end with this quote from one, Clive Staples Lewis.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."