Life...Ups and Down

Wow...and again I have disappeared for a couple months. Sometimes life just rushes by at what seems like break-neck speeds. Now is one of those times. To catch up: Finished the spring semester with a 4.0, had to cut off a few friendships (=[ ), 다해언니 is here for the summer (!!!), we're gearing up for Kevin and Corrin's wedding, summer classes start today, and I think my heart is being drawn towards something (********). And that's life in a nutshell.


To expound...

It is wonderful and amazing to have a "sister" with me. Someone I can confide in and spend time with. We understand each others' hearts. We can talk about things that are near and dear to us. We open up in ways that we can't with other people. If I'm having a rough day, there is someone there on my side. If she is feeling lonely or homesick, I can sit with her or take her out. We can discuss our hearts' desires. I've never known such a close and constant connection with someone. I love her so dearly~

Kevin and Corrin. What a couple! They are so completely perfect for each other. I can't always connect with them, but I'm so happy they have found each other. I'm getting excited for their wedding...though it stills seem surreal that my brother is going to be a married man in less than two months. Corrin is starting to become more a part of our family as we are able to spend more time with her now that she is finished college and living near us. Things are working out.

Friends. Sometimes I think it's all just a joke. People act like they care and will be there forever, but as soon as things get rough, they disappear. Or, they simply turn on you with little to no warning. Is this what life will always be? Being hurt by people you thought loved you? Three people just since the beginning of the year have done this to me. I wonder if I can deal with another one doing that. I'm scared of getting close to anyone. Why...How can people do that? After investing in their lives and being there for them...and then they are just gone.

Despite all this though, I cannot help but realize how truly blessed I am. I have loving, supportive, and adoring parents. I have great Korean sisters and brothers. I do have a few close friends whom I believe I can trust. I'm able to be in grad school. I have a car. I'm able to do a lot of things that other people cannot. I have an amazing God Who will Never leave me. And...I think I may have ********... =)

I am...

I often have wondered what it would be like to truly be open. No secrets. No past. No shame. There was a time in my life when almost everything about me and everything I did had to be hidden. My life was one big, sordid secret. I used to wonder what would happen if all my secrets were known by my family, friends, and even strangers. How would they treat me? What would it feel like to no longer be living a lie. Everyday when I got up, I would put on a mask and play a part. Some people could see through it, some people knew bits and pieces of what was going on, but no one truly knew me. Despite the enormous amount of effort I put into keeping who I truly was a secret, I longed for freedom. I longed for someone to know and understand...and not judge.

I once wrote out a paragraph listing everything I was. Starting with top layers (daughter, sister, friend) and moving deeper and deeper to the point where I could no longer form the words. I began to use "___" in place of the actual adjectival nouns that described me. "I am a _____, _____, _____," etc. I wanted to get it out. I didn't want to hide. But I could not bring myself to let it out. I knew it would do irreparable damage and cause immense heartache.

Now my life is much more transparent. Although there are still a few things that have been hidden away deep within my heart and mind, most of who I am does not need to be kept secret. It is freeing. Though, sometimes I still feel like I'm hiding. Not who I am now, but who I was. Most people still do not know what I did and what I went through. Sometimes I feel as though I'm playing a part..."the good girl." I come across as put together and on track. Few people know what I've come from. At this point, I'm not sure it matters...but it's still something I think about. I wonder if I would still be accepted, or if people would treat me differently if they knew.

With all those doubts and questions, there is one thing I have confidence in - God knows. God knows everything I've been through. He knows my thoughts, my actions, my feelings. He has seen and heard every evil thought, every wrong action, and every hurtful word. And despite that, He loves me. He understands my past, and He no longer judges me for it. There is nothing hidden from Him, there are no secrets He does not know. He still loves me. I am known, I am understood, and I am loved.

So much change...

Wow...the past couple months have been so hectic, I completely forgot about this blog. Things have just calmed down related to school. My online course ended a little over a week ago, which frees up a lot of time. Also, this week is spring break at McDaniel, and next week is spring break at Towson. So right now I am focusing on pulling myself back together after several rough weeks and renewing my strength in the Lord.

Looking back at my recent posts, I'm struck with how much has changed in just a few short months. People have come and gone, my view of people and life has changed, and relationships have grown and died. It's a bit sad, but is also very interesting. Because without looking back, I wouldn't have realized how much things have changed. How much I have changed. I feel like I am almost a different person than I was six months ago. I am free. I am stronger. I have purpose. It is truly amazing the difference God has made in my life. When I focus on him, I am able to put everything else in perspective. Things and people I am worried about, I can give it to Him and trust Him to take care of it. Such a relief! I feel as though no matter who comes and goes in my life, I will always have God by my side, no matter what. He keeps me strong. He is who I lean on. Without him I am weak and, quite simply, a mess. With Him, I am capable and steady. He loves me. If everyone in the world turns on me, the God of the universe still loves me and is holding me close. So comforting. I cannot comprehend his love, nor can I understand why He bestows it so freely. But I know that He does, and always will, love me deeper than I can ever imagine.

"(I) am treasured, (I) am sacred, (I) am His."

I miss you... ♥

Breathe. Repeat.

You know that feeling when it seems like everything is falling down around you? That is what it has felt like for me for the past couple days. I feel like I'm getting behind on my school (already!!), losing friends and failing to build connections, regressing with my physical therapy, financially going down the drains, and just plain losing control. I try to remind myself to just relax and let things play out as they will, but that is such a hard thing to actually do. I want to get a job, but I know I am not physically able to do that right now while hoping to make some kind of progress in therapy. I want to glue myself to my chair and get ahead on my homework, but I have the Korean students who want to take trips their last few days here. I want to cling to the friends I have, but I'm afraid of being hurt and back-stabbed again. I want to pull them closer as I'm pushing them away... I want to grab my life by the horns (does that even make sense??) and make it go the way I want to. But I know that's not possible. I'm getting nervous about this spring semester. I'm not too worried about my on-campus class at my college, but I'm worried that driving to the other university every Tuesday and Thursday is going to drain me (and my gas tank =/). I'm actually getting excited about my practicum this semester! I'm placed in a high school, and from what I've heard from my mentor teacher, it sounds like it will be very different from my experience in the middle school last semester. Very excited! This semester could be really good...if I chill out and not let it overwhelm or get to me. I need to relax. I need to relax.

Oh, and I may be looking for a new church. Whoohoo. =/ I'm getting more and more nervous around Christians. My overall experience with them just hasn't been that great. And now that it seems as though people are turning on me and harming my reputation, I'm even more skiddish. Can I just be a hermit, please? Live in a nice warm hole and read my favorite books all day. Very safe....but very alone. =/

And I shall end with this quote from one, Clive Staples Lewis.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Start of a new semester

Winter break is over and the spring semester has begun. I must confess, I was not at all ready to start back into school yet. But alas, time marches on, whether I'm ready or not. Thankfully, I'm kind of easing into school. My online class started on Monday. My on-campus class at McDaniel starts the 24th, and my on-campus class at Towson starts the 1st of February, and (I believe) my internship starts sometime during the 1st week of February. By the time my classes are in full swing, my Korean students will be back in Korea. Which means I'll have more time on my hands and a little less stress from that area. I may begin teaching EFL to the Koreans again once they all go back home, but that has not been decided or set in stone yet. So we'll see. I keep trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time. When I look at what this semester is going to be like, I start to get on edge. But if I can get myself to take it one day at a time, and enjoy the moments, it'll all be just fine. =)

The rest of my life seems a bit hectic recently. So many things going on with relationships. Friends I need to move on from, friends I need to allow closer, friends I just need to SEE. I feel like I'm getting lost in the hustle and bustle. I'm ready for a vacation!

I will not surrender

I refuse to give up. No matter how many things life throws at me, I will not surrender. If my health fails, I will nurse myself back. If I'm overwhelmed with stress, I will slowly and methodically work through it. If I am hurt by people, I will pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. When I make mistakes, I will find out what I did wrong and learn from it. I will not let circumstances pull me under. There is a season for everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I will do whatever I have to do to not only survive, but truly live through every season of my life.



"The best way out is always through."
"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life. It goes on."

~Robert Frost