I am...

I often have wondered what it would be like to truly be open. No secrets. No past. No shame. There was a time in my life when almost everything about me and everything I did had to be hidden. My life was one big, sordid secret. I used to wonder what would happen if all my secrets were known by my family, friends, and even strangers. How would they treat me? What would it feel like to no longer be living a lie. Everyday when I got up, I would put on a mask and play a part. Some people could see through it, some people knew bits and pieces of what was going on, but no one truly knew me. Despite the enormous amount of effort I put into keeping who I truly was a secret, I longed for freedom. I longed for someone to know and understand...and not judge.

I once wrote out a paragraph listing everything I was. Starting with top layers (daughter, sister, friend) and moving deeper and deeper to the point where I could no longer form the words. I began to use "___" in place of the actual adjectival nouns that described me. "I am a _____, _____, _____," etc. I wanted to get it out. I didn't want to hide. But I could not bring myself to let it out. I knew it would do irreparable damage and cause immense heartache.

Now my life is much more transparent. Although there are still a few things that have been hidden away deep within my heart and mind, most of who I am does not need to be kept secret. It is freeing. Though, sometimes I still feel like I'm hiding. Not who I am now, but who I was. Most people still do not know what I did and what I went through. Sometimes I feel as though I'm playing a part..."the good girl." I come across as put together and on track. Few people know what I've come from. At this point, I'm not sure it matters...but it's still something I think about. I wonder if I would still be accepted, or if people would treat me differently if they knew.

With all those doubts and questions, there is one thing I have confidence in - God knows. God knows everything I've been through. He knows my thoughts, my actions, my feelings. He has seen and heard every evil thought, every wrong action, and every hurtful word. And despite that, He loves me. He understands my past, and He no longer judges me for it. There is nothing hidden from Him, there are no secrets He does not know. He still loves me. I am known, I am understood, and I am loved.

So much change...

Wow...the past couple months have been so hectic, I completely forgot about this blog. Things have just calmed down related to school. My online course ended a little over a week ago, which frees up a lot of time. Also, this week is spring break at McDaniel, and next week is spring break at Towson. So right now I am focusing on pulling myself back together after several rough weeks and renewing my strength in the Lord.

Looking back at my recent posts, I'm struck with how much has changed in just a few short months. People have come and gone, my view of people and life has changed, and relationships have grown and died. It's a bit sad, but is also very interesting. Because without looking back, I wouldn't have realized how much things have changed. How much I have changed. I feel like I am almost a different person than I was six months ago. I am free. I am stronger. I have purpose. It is truly amazing the difference God has made in my life. When I focus on him, I am able to put everything else in perspective. Things and people I am worried about, I can give it to Him and trust Him to take care of it. Such a relief! I feel as though no matter who comes and goes in my life, I will always have God by my side, no matter what. He keeps me strong. He is who I lean on. Without him I am weak and, quite simply, a mess. With Him, I am capable and steady. He loves me. If everyone in the world turns on me, the God of the universe still loves me and is holding me close. So comforting. I cannot comprehend his love, nor can I understand why He bestows it so freely. But I know that He does, and always will, love me deeper than I can ever imagine.

"(I) am treasured, (I) am sacred, (I) am His."