I will not surrender

I refuse to give up. No matter how many things life throws at me, I will not surrender. If my health fails, I will nurse myself back. If I'm overwhelmed with stress, I will slowly and methodically work through it. If I am hurt by people, I will pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. When I make mistakes, I will find out what I did wrong and learn from it. I will not let circumstances pull me under. There is a season for everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I will do whatever I have to do to not only survive, but truly live through every season of my life.



"The best way out is always through."
"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life. It goes on."

~Robert Frost

I need a pocket translator...

I know it's cliche for girls to say they don't understand guys and vice versa. But how I am feeling that right now! There are quite a few guys in my life (as family members, acquaintances, friends, and perhaps more than friends). And there is not a-one I understand. For those men who are very close to me (i.e. my father and brother) I have learned to interpret certain sounds and actions and I can get a rough understanding of their meaning. But I do not understand what drives a man. What makes him do what he does. What excites him. What upsets him. This problem is compounded when I don't know the guy well. Usually I end up completely misunderstanding guys' actions. And mostly in that I assume all guys just want to be friends and are very rarely ever interested in anything more. When it comes to guys, I need things spelled out for me. And that just doesn't happen. I need a translator for guys. "This statement REALLY means _____. " "This gesture means he wants to _____." "This comment indicates _____." Yes, a book or program like that would be wonderful. And would probably save my butt and keep me out of a great deal of trouble. I'm fairly certain the opposite sex would also greatly benefit from such a thing in regards to women. Why has no one invented this?

Focus...

I realized that I've stopped growing. For a while I was hungrily listening to and reading everything I could get my hands on about God and Christianity. But I've stopped. I became distracted by finals, relationships, and recently, my health. I stopped reading devotionals and the Bible. Stopped listening to sermons. Stopped asking questions. I've become so overwhelmed with life that I've almost ceased to function. I'm not living. I'm barely surviving. The stress of the Korean students coming, employment, classes, relationships, and health has taken its toll on me. I can't think clearly, can't work out problems, and I'm lashing out way more than I have before. I need to refocus. I need to remain calm. Knowing that whatever happens, I will be given the strength to get through it.

Is it worth it?

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth the pain. So many things in life are hard to deal with and just cause so much hurt. So many things can go wrong in a family. So many accidental mistakes have unfathomable consequences. I know I'll make so mistakes as a wife and mother. Will it be worth it? What if I do something without realizing and my child ends up scarred for life? I don't want to hurt anyone! *sigh*

I have spent a good portion of my morning and afternoon organizing and putting my room back together (I am in the process of redecorating it). And in doing so, I have come across a lot of old letters, cards, and books I have not read in a long time. So many memories came flooding back to me. Little notes of thanks or encouragement can really impact a person and lift their spirit.

I have also spent the last hour or so reading poems I found buried under some of my books. How I love the rhyme and passion contained in poetry. My imagination comes alive with images and scenes with each description, my heart flutters and swells with every declaration. The love, the torment, the longing and desire...poetry expresses it all in such amazing ways.

I found one particular piece of poetry that struck a cord with me. I have copied it below.


If thou must love me, let it be for naught
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile-her look-her way
Of speaking gently,-for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and brought
...A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"-
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee-and love, so wrought
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry-
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lost thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

  

The snow flies in circles outside the window.  It's been snowing for days and the wind is picking up, tossing the snow around and landing it in ever growing snowdrifts.  Inside it's warm and cozy.  But my mind better reflects the beginning blizzard outside rather than the calm of my house.  Having had a lot of free time on my hands recently has left me considering my future and trying to decide where I'm going and where I want to go.  I have so many dreams and desires, and yet I'm not actively pursuing any of them.  I feel as though my life is getting away from me and I'm not living it to the fullest.  Honestly, in a way, I want to grow up and really start living my life.  However, on the other hand, I just want to have fun and not have to be weighed down by a lot of responsibility.  I'm sure that is due mostly to my age.  But I don't want to waste any of my life trying to figure out what to do rather than going out and doing it.  There are so many different things I could do with my life, so many different roads I could take.  How do I choose just one?  How do I decide which one to at least start on?  Half my heart is pulling me abroad...and yet the other half desires to stay close to my loved ones.  How do I marry those two drives?  Sometimes I want to run away to a different country with the intent of starting over, a clean slate.  Other times, I want to stay near my family and loved ones and never leave them.  So many goals, dreams, desires, and interest seem to fight each other for my attention.  I often feel pulled in a hundred directions.  But I'm sure that someday I'll figure out a way to have them all co-exist peacefully in my life.  I hope...

I wonder what it's like to wear your heart on your sleeve.  I've spent a good portion of my life hiding my own thoughts and opinions to make room for others'.  Keeping my own feelings locked up inside to protect myself.  There is a safety in that.  And yet, there is also a burden.  Would it be freeing to express what I'm really feeling and thinking?  Would I feel stronger not working so hard to keep my true feelings concealed?

Change happens quickly...sometimes we don't even notice.  Wow...how things have changed...